Velvet Rope
Stand over there and not here, way over there! I’m talking about over there, do you see where that fountain of water is at? You sit there but on the other side so you aren’t facing me and this velvet rope. I don’t care if someone hits you with a nickel when they’re making a wish, just go somewhere that is not here. Don’t tell me you are lost, your darn owner left too much slack on the leash. Lassie is lost and we must drop everything just to find its owner. You stupid rolling stone, you can’t always get what you want. Next time I see you, you better iron that fucking shirt and get the chili vinegar stain out of it. Iron that hair too while your at it, maybe that greasy messy mess will panini press itself into a decent combover with a part like its a meal for two. Go beg for a job as an EMT, that’ll be the only way you’ll ever get over here with those cargo pocket pants. Those aren’t even your size mate, they are too long on you. How you let that happen? You went into the store and bought the wrong size on purpose like the gelatin head you are. I’d like to see you try to find a tailor that would hem those for you, get laughed out the plaza before even entering. Why with the baseball cap? Have you even played baseball before? I don’t think you even collect the cards, just charlie chaplin or the chocolate factory cards. Shaped like a frog, I doubt you can even grip a baseball with your knuckleless hands. Maybe actual balls and a bat, that’s probably how you got the cap. I bet you wear that cap while down by the creek, skipping rocks with your frog buddies. Why don’t ya make like a frog and try to cross that street without getting mushed.
Mate, brother, pal! Settle down with all this commotion, don’t you see that you are scaring the patrons away. I’m taking a stroll home from work, I don’t wanna go in there. I know the higher ups are watching you through the camera but don’t start acting like they shoved this camera up your hole during training. One week into your new job and now the tides have turned. If you love that velvet rope so much, just chip both ends on to your nipples while you sit on that pole without any pants on. Just two weeks ago, you’d be with me on this side. You know darn well why I got this chili vinegar on my shirt, two weeks ago you would have had the same stain from working with battered fish and chips. You are just as dirty as me, you got fired for stretching out the ole sack in the middle of a lunch rush. You cried to Flanigan for your job back, your muddy tears ruined the fresh batch of hushpuppies. Mister tuff guy doesn’t want to relive the past, the only thing you ever battered and bruised is the fish. Even then, you were too scared to filet the fish. I’m not even sure how you got hired here, anyone can walk over the rope. It’s your job to stop them, how the hell are you going to do that? You are shaped like a cabinet, only women and children have to gang up in order to move you around. You got the gift of the gab but we are irish italians, that comes with the trade. You never had the gift of the jab, always tried to poke my eyes out when we would wrestle. I thought you hated Jazz? You used to say jazz was gay, the word jazz was too close to the word jizz for you. This is a jazz club and not an exclusive night club, where there might be loose whores tucking away at your loops. After your shift, you are behind the rope like the rest of us. This velvet rope isn’t even velvet, it’s velour like the ones in the lobby of the banks and it smells like pennies.