Puffer Coat
I’m telling ya, this ole thing was used in dog attack seminars. It’ll last you through two winters and a tour in Afghanistan but what do I know. I’m just some man with a guaranteed warm torso and who occasionally drinks milk out of aluminum cups that once held strictly beer in them. Torso is as warm as a person who is having a heat stroke, a strudel could be heated in one of the pockets. It’s the modern day medieval knight armour and not the ones with those soda can tab chainmail, specifically the ones that you can shine on the chest hair area. I’d like to see you survive the winter with one of those wimpy down jackets that you get off the rack, one wind chill and you’ll handover your wallet to the wind like it mugged you. Don’t even bother looking at the ones with a hood built into them already because those are cash grabs, If I wanted to wear a hood then I would have became an executioner. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be an executioner, it is a lot of boring work. Sometimes they make you swing a sword around like it was a baseball bat but you don’t get to actually play baseball, it was more like T-ball. They also have you play with rope, that’s more of an insult really. Something a parent would tell a kid to go do, give him a piece of string to go play in the corner while they talk out divorce details. I hope that’s not how that capital punishment was invented, child neglect with a piece of string and one hell of an imagination can take you places. I tell ya, one summer I made a tug boat with a piece of string and a can of cola by the lake. I even put a couple of worms in the can so it could float on but that’s besides the point, don’t buy hooded puffer coats. They charge you extra for a thing that is not necessary, it ain’t gone rain in the winter. You put on a hat or some fur hat when the cold flakes shimmer down from the sky like the cloud has some dandruff. You shouldn’t live in fear when wearing a puffer coat, a tree branch will flat tire you anytime a flimsy coat is present. You know how ridiculous it looks to be at the local gas station, trying to inflate a puffer coat. Get you one that is a bang for your buck, something that dehydrates you from all that warm and not give you frosty bite marks. A toaster should not be warmer than you in the winter, nor should the panini press. As a human, you can’t let the technology be warmer than you are. For once, put your foot down and stand against the television. Show them who pays the bills and who controls the heat in the living area. The thermostat has you by the jugular, tie, arteries, balls, achilles, leash, nipple, ear, hair, belt loop, and handle all year long! Whether in the winter or summer, it has been your daddy this whole time and it stops now. Shut it off, shut it all off like the electric company does to the impoverished in times like this. Just like Teddy Atlas once said, “Are you ready for the fire, we’re are firemen, WE ARE FIREMEN, THE HEAT DOESN’T BOTHER US, WE LIVE IN THE HEAT, WE TRAIN IN THE HEAT, it tells us that we’re ready, we are at home, we where we’re supposed to be, FLAMES DON’T INTIMiDATE US, WHAT DO WE DO, WE CONTROL THE FLAMES, WE CONTROL THEM, WE MOVE THE FLAME WHERE WE WANT TO, AND THEN WE EXTINGUISH THEM”. Get you four or five quality puffer coats and zip them all together in the middle of your living area, human centipede but in form of an igloo. Don’t forget to make sure you go with one that quacks, if it doesn’t quack then it’s wack like crack. Crack is really wack, ever since 2002 but not quack. Quack is back in the form of a puffer coats!